Sexual Recovery Versus Abstinence

Sexual recovery is very difficult. Unlike alcohol or other substnaces, we have a primal drive for procreation which can result in one's own instics to take them to some very dark places. The reasons for sexual addiction, chronic masturbation and/or pornography addiction will be discussed in other writings. This article will focus on the difference between staying away from triggers and the freedom that recovery can offer.

Most of those who enter sexual recovery do so after some discovery or incident which alerts loved ones to become aware of hidden and very secretive behaviors. This leads to profound betrayal and the fracturing of relationships. The discovery of having a spouse or partner with a sexual addiction is traumatic and destabalizing. One of the first things partners will reach for is control.

There are several site blockers, accountability aides and restictictive measures that can help with the initial or even middle stages of sexual recovery. However, recovery is about much more than the inability to access content or turning away from illicit material. I fully understand and agree with a partner's desire to have some control or oversight on what a sexual addict is consuming electronilcally. These safguards may be necessary to begin even thinking about relationship repair. The problem that can and often does arise is that, the more I can have control and oversight, especially when destabalized, the more I believe I need to remain safe and recover. This can be a bit of a set up because, ultimately I have no control over what someone else does. If I find safety in control, I may convince myself that in order for the relationship to continue or heal, I must have control over content. Again, this can lead to essentially blocking everything and everyone in order to feel safe.

I have working with patients who's partners would not allow them to enter a convenience store because there may be a trigger or tempation in the store. While this may prevent someone from looking at inappropriate images, it is a tactic of avoidance rather than freedom.

Sexual recovery is freedom from lust and acting out behaviors, not avoidance of. While the immedaite period of avoidance may be required to break the cycle, it is not a good long-term plan. It would be the equivalent of having an alcoholic not allowed anywhere near alcohol. The result may be not drinking, but we would not consider that recovery.

Recovery is a process whereby one begins to recognize and address the issues that caused the behavior in the first place, not just discontinuation of the behavior. I may be completely abstinent from any sexual acting out behavior if I have enough paramenters and overwatch, however that does not get me to experience the real freedom from those tempations. For this, I must search inward and go back. Examine the past and heal from the wounds that have brought me here in the first place.

There are several methods for this process, I can utilize the 12-steps, work with a CSAT or trauma therapist, or a variety of other helpful interventions. The point is, I can't just abstain and call that recovery. I must do the work required to have the true freedom from my addiction, given the opportunity to use it or not. While abstince may be a prerequisite, it is not the plan for a life free from this active addiction.